A few months ago I was at Powell’s, a goliath bookstore that takes up a whole city block here in Portland (it’s half the reason I moved here), and I walked past the young adult LGBT endcap as I have a hundred times before, when I suddenly paused. I realized: I’m allowed to look. I touched a cover with two girls holding hands and almost expected to feel something other than paper — electricity? hellfire? glorious springy rainbows? I read the first couple pages of a few books. It struck me again how … normal? gay stories and experiences are. I thought they’d be salaciously wicked, all salt and fire, but it’s just… more life. I took We Are Okay by Nina LaCour home and read it with cups of tea all night and couldn’t stop crying tears of absolute relief.
Sexual shame is such a powerful tool of control because it works on almost anyone. Most of us have “sinned” sexually according to the limitations of the Bible, and because we in the western world already have a cultural taboo about discussing sex, our shame rots in the dark. Even when you confess your struggle to God and to spiritual mentors or friends, there’s still this feeling that you are especially weak and especially alone in your weakness. And because many of us have consistent sexual appetites (because that’s just how a lot of bodies work), we constantly reinforce our sinfulness to ourselves. I mean, you’re not even allowed to look at someone lustfully. There’s no more effective way to make someone think “I’m a sinner” every day of their lives.
When I was a Christian I thought, “What would I do with all this sin and shame if I couldn’t leave it at the cross?” I felt so much relief every time I got on my knees. I needed Jesus to feel whole and happy and okay. Prayer and worship was like a blood transfusion, it kept me alive. What I didn’t realize was that maybe the thing that was curing me was the same thing that was making me sick.
I hold all this with such a light touch today. Sexual desire isn’t mounting evidence in the case that my life is an epic battle between good and evil, proof that if I don’t pay very close attention, I’ll dissolve into wickedness and pain. It’s just desire. Sometimes I get hungry, so I make myself a sandwich. It’s as simple as that.
So let’s all masturbate! Watch porn! And have sex!
(if you want to)
(there’s also no shame in not wanting sex stuff)
(what you want and don’t want is all okay. let’s keep those things and get rid of shame)
A couple quick asides: Once porn stops being shameful, and you don’t have to sneak it in rushed handfuls in the middle of the night, you have space to seek out content that supports your values. There’s lots of delicious feminist porn out there. If you’re new to considering porn as a good thing, I’d check out pornastherapy.com. Another recommendation: masturbate in front of a mirror! It’s fine, Ilana does it in Broad City. Or buy a new toy! (SheBop is a great local, women-owned sex shop here in pdx). If you’ve ritually shamed yourself under the sheets, masturbating in a different way is a great chance to change the scenery and say: Yep. I’m doing this. 100% in the open. No shame, no hiding, just play. One more link: omgyes.com is a great resource for exploring ways to make a vagina happy, whether you’re learning for yourself or a partner. Lastly: enthusiastic consent! enthusiastic consent! enthusiastic consent!
Image: Cedric Lange